I’m a big fan of rejecting rules. Mostly because the majority of them are nonsense, of course, like ‘don’t put your elbows on the table’ or ‘don’t play bullrush’, but also because there are so damn many of them. On average most people break 163 rules before breakfast. Obviously I blame the Helen Clark government for that.
Some rules, however, are fundamental. And here are five:
Rule 1. Never get out of bed before 9am on a Monday. Ever. Nobody likes Mondays. Don’t make them any longer than they need to be. Also, when you go to bed on Sunday night with Monday dread you can console yourself with the idea of a sleep-in. Obviously, this doesn’t work if you have a proper job or kids.
Rule 2. Never have kids. Ever. They are expensive, they steal all of your free time and they are irrational little shits right up until they’re old enough to disobey you. And don’t hand me that bollocks that they’ll look after you when you’re old. Do you think your parents are mostly a pain in the arse? Exactly.
Rule 3. Try to be nice to your parents. They regret having you enough. Don’t make it worse.
Rule 4. Cricket is the greatest game ever invented. Never work when it is on. This seems like a straightforward rule, but test cricket goes for five days. That requires significant planning. Clients don’t ordinarily accept the line, ‘Sorry the report’s not finished because I’ve been watching cricket.’ The fact that the Black Caps often struggle to survive past day four has been a significant factor in my ongoing employment. That and scheduling matches in Dunedin in spring with the wonderful optimism that Dunedin will have a dry spring anytime sooner than in the last week of summer.
Rule 5. Never pray to anything. Unless of course that thing is David Mitchell. David Mitchell is brilliant and Peep Show is the greatest thing on TV. Actually, you are allowed to pray to TV generally. TV is essentially what binds families together by giving parents a reprieve from their children – if not for television, families in a few short years would be consigned to history, along side dinosaurs, World War II, and the polar ice caps.
It’s about now I anticipate that a less careful reader may be asking: ‘But how do these simple rules lead to our ultimate destruction’? Rule number 2: no procreation. Simple. But given we are doing our very best to stuff the planet good and proper, we are really just saving our grandkids the trouble of instantly going from raw to cooked under an ozone hole acting like a malevolent magnifying glass.
And that, with my elbows firmly on the table, is all I have to say about rules. Anybody up for a game of bullrush?