Winner: The defenders of Luis Suarez
That fuckwit biting footballer is the obvious choice, but I’m running with all of the people suggesting his ban was too harsh. Admittedly there can be few people who haven’t felt like nibbling on an Italian, but only true wankers can claim there wasn’t enough evidence to prove his third attack. Yip a wanker and a masticator.
Honourable mentions: The voters of East Coast Bays you are on notice, nothing is worth that dim-witted fool; Maui’s Dolphins whose small number belie their constant interruption to commerce; the dufus principal of St Johns College for kicking out a kid because of his hair, proving that wankers don’t happen overnight but they do happen.
Saint of the last seven Days
Winner: 27 absolute heroes.
The fire fighters, police officers and others who were given bravery awards this week for their work in the aftermath of the Christchurch quakes. We salute every one of you.
Honourable mentions: actress Amy Adams for giving up her first class seat to a soldier; old age for constantly clawing away the support base of New Zealand First; and Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement for being brilliant, creative and funny and reminding us that we can produce greatness.