Winner: George Bush
Bush has obviously had his number retired here at Wanker of the Week but he deserves special mention as Iraq begins to fall into the hands of Muslim extremists called ISIS. To put them in context, ISIS has been disowned by Al Qaeda for being too fucking genocidal. Iraq has gone from being a largely secular and stable country with a nutcase dictator to one of the most dangerous countries in the world soon to be run by an infinitely worse nutcase dictator. Well done, George, you will always be remembered as perhaps the greatest wanker of our lifetime.
Honourable mentions: Aaron Cruden for taking a quick tap penalty and potentially losing the ABs record winning streak, we can tell it was wrong because Dan Carter wouldn’t have done it; the University of Reading for saying they had a super computer that had beaten the Turing test and by implication fundamentally changing how we view the ability of machines (it proved to be utter bollocks); and whoever can save our Maui dolphins from extinction and isn’t – you complete and utter wankers.
Saint of the last seven days.
Winner: The Civilian Party
The satirist Civilian gaining $33,000 to spend on an election campaign is hands-down the best ever use of electoral funds. Given the pool of money is fixed at $3.2m, it’s not a waste of taxpayer money, it’s just stopping other parties spending it. Brilliant. Furthermore the Civilian’s explanation was exquisite: “There are other joke parties getting funding, like the Conservatives and Act”. Never was a more saintly sentence said.
Honourable mentions: On test debut for the Black Caps, Mark Craig takes eight wickets, hits his first ball for six and is awarded man of the match. – not a shabby start to test cricket; and Rik Mayall, nuff said.